Positive move

Dad was moved to a private room today. His BP is up well within normal range and no sign of dehydration. They started giving him insulin today though because his blood sugar was way too high. The girls and I went to see him for a few hours and he was much more alert and even ate some real food! I think it has finally set in that he HAS to start making more of an effort to eat and drink as much as possible. As I was leaving he even asked me to sneak him in a couple of beers tomorrow. Yeah, not gonna happen bud!

I had a flashback today. His room was very stuffy and I suddenly thought about the ice cream treats I saw in a vending machine on first floor the other day. I told the girls to come with me and we went down to scope it out. There were 10-12 different items to chose from and the girls took their time to insure a wise choice. Gentry chose a drumstick and as I was pushing the buttons on the vending machine, a memory from my childhood came over me like a wave...

I was only four years old when my Grandpa Dodd died of cancer.  I can only remember going to the hospital to see him one time and on that visit I distinctly remember someone taking me to the vending machines where they bought me a drumstick ice cream cone. I remember that because it was the first time I had ever had one and it was AWESOME!

As Gentry reached in and grabbed that drumstick I instantly thought, "Oh my.. now she going to have the same memory of her Grandpa fighting cancer in the hospital."

Thank you to Julie for taking his picture of my Dad at Thanksgiving.

Not an ideal Christmas

Last Wednesday my Dad was transported to Mercy Hospital in Manhattan. He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer back in October and also has tumors in his liver and lungs. They predicted he would only live six months. Wednesday he was unresponsive due to severe dehydration. As a result, his kidneys had shut down and his blood pressure was barely existent. We were told his heart could shut down at any time. We honestly didn't know if he would survive the 30 minute ambulance ride.

We spent all Christmas Eve day as well as Christmas Day with him in ICU. With the help of IV fluids, a blood transfusion, and several different blood pressure meds, he has regained function of his kidneys. Over the past two days they have been weening him off the other meds but his blood pressure is still too low to be moved out of ICU. We are still hopeful that his body will correct this eventually on its own.

The doctors are not giving us any false hope. They have said that the low blood pressure may just be a side effect of the cancer and he may not leave the hospital. Dad is insistent that he not be rescessitated if his heart stops. He wants to die naturally.

I want to sincerely say Thank you to all of my loving, supportive friends who understand what a difficult time this is for my family and have done nothing but send messages of encouragement and prayers...  you all are my rocks and you mean the world to me.

Early Morning Coyote Messenger

I am in my car an hour and a half each day as I drive to work so I am constantly scanning the fields and powerlines to see what types of animals I may encounter. This morning I saw something I have never seen before. Right along the side of the highway standing on top of a big round hay bale (yes.. ON TOP of the hay bale) was a coyote. He didn't flinch as I drove by & I even slowed down to get a better look at this straggly creature.

Of course my curiousity was peaked. Why would this animal make such a bold appearance? He was obviously trying to make a statement.

Native Americans believe that animals are here to teach us and give us messages sent from the Creator. According to different online sites, the coyote is known as the clever one and the foolish one. He is sometimes referred to as a trickster. He mirrors our human capacity for cleverness as well as our stupidity. He is the mirror for the lessons we need to learn to walk the right path and he will continue to hold up that mirror until we take the hint. I read that we should call on the coyote when we are in the middle of negotiating a difficult situation or perhaps thank him for showing us a trap we are in or a situation in which we are fooling ourselves.

The coyote is a powerful teacher when it comes to relationships but it is when we are in a relationship that we have a tendency to fool ourselves the most. More than anything, the coyote is a survivor. He shows us that life is unpredictable and that we can not control everything that happens around us. His wisdom teaches us to live in the moment and view unexpected occurrences as opportunities rather than misfortune.

Another site says that coyote can also teach us how to balance work and play, to have more fun in our lives.  When coyote appears to us we can re-create our lives in ways that we might never have dreamed if we are willing to lighten up and follow our instincts.  We all have something we would like to let go of.  If you feel a sense of relief, even if it is accompanied by a feeling of fear, then you know you are right in your wanting to move on.  Often what we really wants in life may seem very far away or impossible to achieve. Coyote can actually trick us into going for what we really want!

Was this early morning messenger trying to motivate me or get me to lighten up? I'm thinking the answer is "both." I think he was standing on that hay bale saying, "Hey.. life is awful sometimes but learn from it, laugh and have fun as much as you can, figure out what you want most in life and move on."

Snow Memories

My girls and I went Christmas shopping this past weekend. Being alone with them in the car opened up some interesting conversations to say the least but somehow we started talking about snow forts. I suddenly got really excited to tell them about the incredible snow forts that my dad provided every year after a big snow storm. Wow! I had nearly forgotten how much fun and how many hours my sister and I would dedicate to these ice castles!

After a big snow, dad would take the tractor with the skid loader on it and create two gynormous mounds of snow; one to the south and another to the north. My sister and I would lay claim to one of them and commence the creation of the most awesome fortress' imaginable (or at least in our minds). It was always a contest to see which one of us could be the most innovative.

I remember building steps up the front and hollowing out the center to create a wall to dodge snowballs from the "enemy." It was also a necessity to have an exit in case of emergency which was usually a slide down the back for a quick escape. We use to spend hours out there playing and being ornery. We would plot sneak attacks and bomb each other with a barrage of snowballs that we would stock pile. Eventually we would lose feeling in our toes and hands and have to go inside to thaw out with hot cocoa.

I know lots of kids build snow forts and what we did wasn't rocket science by any means. It was just something special that our dad did for us every year without saying a word.

This is my favorite picture of my Dad. (Thank you Aunt Sharon). The funny thing is that for as long as I can remember he has always worn overalls. Always.

My Dad...

All little girls idolize their Daddy. I am no different. If you are lucky you get a daddy who is patient, kind, spoils you, and doesn't pitch a fit when you put every barrette and pony-tail holder you own in their hair while sporting some very bright blue eye shadow and pink blush.

My Dad is awesome. Of all the things I remember as a child I remember him teaching me how to play softball. I remember the countless hours he spent out in the yard playing catch and practicing pitching with me. I was not the most athletic or graceful child but I tried and I loved to play sports. He supported me through volleyball, basketball, softball, and track. Those things were very important to him.. more so than I, and he always had advice for the "next time." Now I wish I would have paid more attention.

The thing about daddy's is that you always think they will be around to give that advice. Not so.

People come in and out of our lives so quickly; some more quickly than others. Some go because we have made a choice to let them go. Others are taken from us against our will.

I almost deleted this blog today. I felt it had served its purpose and I was ready to 'let it go' so to speak. Now, for at least a while I am going to use it as my outlet to tell my friends about my Daddy and what a wonderful man and father he is. He would be so embarrassed if he knew so let's don't mention it, okay?